Question:I am the mother of a 16-year old girl. As every mother-daughter relationship even ours has its ups and downs and as is the case with every teenage girl and her mom right now our relationship is going through more downs than ups. We argue about almost everything. Her weight issues, her studies, her friends, her hair, her room, her clothes, her attitude – the list goes on. She resents me so much that she does not even sit in the same room I do. I try to make up by taking her out shopping, buying her favorite clothes, doing some of her favorite things. We are fine for a day or two before some issue or the other crops up and we are back to square one. I admit I have quite a temper and I blast her off pretty bad but it gets me that she seems to always want to do the exact opposite of what I want her to. I mean come on every once in while, she could also listen to what I am saying. After all I am her mother! I should know a thing or two about propriety more than she does since I am more than twice her age. But no, anything mom says is an absolute no-no, even though I am sure she realizes that somewhere I am speaking the truth. But she does it anyways – to spite me, to put her point across or to plain be obnoxious I am not sure. I know a lot of you are going to say that its age and that everything will fall in place in a few years. Well my life is falling apart right now. From the time she turned 12 we have been having these issues. Frankly I have reached the end of my tether. To add to this issue, we recently moved to be closer to my elder sister’s place. Now my elder sister has 3 boys – all grown up. So he has always showered that extra love and affection on my daughter. They have a very good relationship and since the time we have moved, my daughter is spending more and more time with her. You could find her almost always there whenever she has time to spare. At home she is either studying, or working on her laptop, talking to one of her friends or just being generally busy doing nothing. While at my sister’s place she is right there with her spending all her time with her, talking, doing this and that, lending her a hand etc etc. Initially I was fine with that. I was just happy that she finally found someone she could relate to and was out of my hair. But then it started getting to me. It’s like my sister is her fairy godmother and I am this wicked stepmother. My daughter clams up when I walk into a room and after 5 minutes you won’t find her in the same room. I have been trying very hard – having one to one talks with her, going cycling with her, trying not to be super critical about her – but as I explained she will do something so out of the way that I have no choice but to get into an argument and once again all my trials amount to none. I am so so tired of this situation. I feel like such a failure. I see the rapport she shares with my sister and though I would not admit it to anyone, not even to myself, I feel pretty jealous of it. I have started to hate myself for having such a weak character. My sister and I have no issues. We get along very well. She has always treated me like her daughter. I have always respected her like a mother. Our husband’s get along very well. I stand in the danger of loosing all that because I cannot get along with my 16-year old daughter. If my sister even gets wind of my feelings, she is going to feel pretty lousy and I would not blame her. I feel so trapped. Last week I forbid my daughter to visit my sister on some flimsy reason that she did not study well for her exam because she had spent the weekend with my sister. I am sure my sister being the mature lady she is will understand in a second what is brewing inside me. I don’t want that. I don’t want her to feel bad on account of me. But I am unable to help myself. I know I am in danger of loosing a lifelong wonderful relationship with my sister and have already spoilt things with my daughter. How do I get it back? All of it! Please tell me.

Answer:Dear Mother-in-distress: This is a hard one for me to answer indeed. Mother’s right from the moment their babies are born, nay, conceived become caretakers. An instinct that has been imparted to woman by nature itself! This instinct takes on different ways to manifest itself as the child grows. In some people this instinct is more pronounced as in your case and sometimes morphs into something else altogether with the personality of the person in question acting as a catalyst. Some of us have this innate tendency to force our ideas onto the other person. We think our way of thinking is right, that we are justified in this thinking because we mean no harm to the person. In fact we are speaking for their own good, since they themselves are not too old enough or experienced enough or something else not enough (its always something or the other) to think and fend for themselves. We see it as an affront to us if this person in question does not seem to think the same way we do about the good intentions we have for them. This leads to even more assertions on our part and even more conflicts on their part. Every individual be it be a 3 year old or a 13 year old or a 30 year old needs to feel that they are independent entities. You cannot dictate each and every term to them, no matter how hard it is on you and how wrong you think it is. Every individual needs to be given that much space. It seems to me that you are choking your daughter. The excuse that you do it for her own good does not gel after a while. You know it’s not doing any of you any good, still you are unable to stop yourself. What has berating your daughter at every step achieved other than making her run at the sight of you. She might not be the person you want, but she is her own person, with her own feelings and thoughts. She seems like a nice enough girl to me who could just spend her whole time with her aunt when she could easily if she were as you say to spite you do things that would be even more harmful. But she does not seem to be doing that which tells me that she is a pretty balanced young lady. Of course I would not know her the way her mother does, but nowhere do you say that she is a bad person. I think the only thing that you could point to is that she is being a normal teenager. Yes, they have different tastes and ideas than people twice their age. If they thought the same as us, then we would not be needed much now would we. We are here to guide them, not to choke them with your ideas. You need to step back. Thank your lucky stars that you have a sister who seems to be so much more better at handling your daughter than you are. Take some pointers from her. Talk to her. Take her advice. She knows you very well, she knows your daughter very well. She would be the best person after you to bridge this gap. She is going to be 18 in 2 years. Yes, she will get around finally, but some scars never heal and I don’t think as a mother you don’t want to be that person who is inflicting the scars. She is not a baby any more. Let her be. Good Luck!